Supporting a Loved One With Addiction: What NOT to Say

When it comes to mental health, we are often reminded not to use negative speech. For instance, perhaps the previous sentence would have been better phrased as follows: “we are often reminded to use positive speech.” That is, it is considered more effective to keep the DOs in mind rather than the DON’Ts, since negatively phrased reminders are more likely to result in the resonating of the undesired bits of the phrase (ex. when repeating don’t cheat, don’t lie, your brain only hears cheat and lie)! With that said, sometimes you really just need to know what NOT to say. This post will outline some sensitive topics for individuals battling addiction, and help you better communicate with your loved one.

Here are four things you should not say to someone struggling with addiction, according to the research and personal accounts:

• You Don’t Have a Problem: “everyone has their weaknesses, you just need to have more willpower, this is your vice” – this kind of talk conveys to your loved one that their addictive behaviour is simply the result of weakness. It fails to acknowledge the fact that addiction is a real disease that should be taken seriously.
• Why Are You Doing This to Yourself? This sort of questioning shames the addicted person, who is undoubtedly already struggling with a great deal of shame and low self worth. It implies negative judgment, and essentially conveys that you are ashamed of them – the worst feeling for them to bear, especially coming from someone they love and trust. 
• You Have to Hit Rock Bottom: it is not uncommon for individuals struggling with addictive behaviour to hear this, even coming from people who have suffered with addiction themselves. The problem with insisting that one must hit rock bottom to seek help, is that it dismisses preventative health measures, and encourages harmful consumption behaviour to continue until a subjectively horrible event takes place. The truth is, no matter the severity, as soon as health (both mental and physical), functioning, or relationships are impacted, it is advisable to seek help.
• Once an Addict, Always an Addict: firstly, this imposes a demeaning label on the person, which can be hard to escape, mentally, emotionally, and socially. It also supposes that a full recovery is impossible, which is simply not true. While we do support an abstinence model in which individuals are encouraged to consciously and consistently work towards sobriety for the rest of their lives, phrases like this put an emphasis on the problem by insisting that the addicted person will never fully escape their suffering. In reality, healing and recovery are absolutely possible with the right support from professionals and loved ones. 

It is always a good idea to encourage a loved one to seek help if you notice concerning addictive behaviours that are interfering with their functioning and relationships. If you are worried about a loved one, you are not alone. Contact us for more information on our recovery and family support services.